Frustrated

My therapist once said, “It takes discipline to live the life you want.” Nothing could be more true. I’d always imagined that if I wanted something, I’d have it. Not poof out of thin air, but that my desire for this object or state of being or goal, would be enough to achieve it. But it takes far more to grow into who you really want to be. Sacrifice, patience, perseverance, and hard work. Now I have posessed these characteristics at various points and am seen as a very ambitious young woman. But I’m hard on myself. Because I am not living the life I want.

Take last night for example. After an open bar party on Thursday evening, I woke up Friday at 6am, despite giving myself the leeway to sleep in and arrive late to work. I had a fast run on the treadmill which made me feel powerful, strong and accomplished (as it always does) and headed into work for a semi-productive, mostly tired day at work. My head cold also progressively became worse. I couldn’t stop sneezing or blowing my nose. It was borderline allergy or again a relapse into a head cold. I pretended it was the former and decided to host a ‘relaxing’ night in for some friends. A strong  joint, bad TV, delivery….sounds perfect, right? NO. Weed doesn’t relax me. It makes me paranoid (especially around others). It makes me hungry, which resulted in a binge. Laying around watching TV bores me after several hours. I am no longer a couch potato. I don’t like it. I get antsy. It’s not who I want to be anymore. I was restless, and ready to sleep by 8. But I had people over so ended up staying awake until they left at 10. Then couldn’t sleep, so I followed habit and ate food.

Today I woke up at 1:17pm ONE SEVENTEEN PM. On a Saturday. Ridiculous just how tired my body was. But even more ridiculous is how PISSED I was at myself. HOW could I make such a bad decision, ruin another weekend. Pot, lack of rest, binge foods. I’m tired of being that person. I envision someone healthy, strong, with glowing skin and a zest for life. Someone who isn’t aggressive towards others constantly because they are in a foul mood due to over-indulgences. SO MAD at myself for making those bad choices. I continued feeding into those feelings by eating my kitchen clean. Old behaviors die hard. Finally I left the house for a 20 minute stroll to get medicine. And the wrong mascara. Oh well. One of those days. It’s lucky I have the chance to start all over tomorrow. Tomorrow is a new day, and chance to make the RIGHT decisions like canceling my date if I’m still sick. Going to bed when my body wants it, instead of staying up with the TV, eating WELL and not perpetuating the binge cycle.

I need to get out of this rut. I was able to do it when I had a partner. I can do it again. I WANT TO DO IT AGAIN.

Time to put in the work.