Archive for January, 2013|Monthly archive page


In Uncategorized on January 17, 2013 at 10:01 am

I met my ex boy friend online. This must have been a one out of a million chance. Yes I know the commercials promise everlasting love. They show you can spark with someone. But it has not been the reality. Since my breakup I have tried OkCupid multiple times, J-Date and now Match. BARF

The guys NEVER ever look like their pictures. Or they lie about their height. Or they are dull and boring. Your online persona can definitely be much more interesting than what you’re bringing to the date table. The last two dates were OKAY….I mean I could go on another date with each of them. They are a stark contrast of one another. One is very intelligent, articulate, ambitious and more settled. But the looks are lacking. The other is good old MidWest white bread tall and bulky. But dull. Not smart enough

There was something missing.

Each time I feel like these men really have redeeming qualities. I SHOULD at least see them again. Or use them for sex. But I have no desire. Non whatsoever. I just want someone to bring what I bring to the table and I have yet to meet that.

At least I am learning what I want. The dating and meeting parting is becoming much less fun and exciting. But I am honing in on what I really want and what is important. Intelligence. This is key. Personality. Sense of humor. Ambition. Kindness. Yes I want height and looks too. But I think the other characteristics are by FAR so much more important.

On to the next


I can change

In Uncategorized on January 17, 2013 at 9:49 am



This week I have really demonstrated that to myself. My usual Sunday was not spent eating. I reorganized my closet, cooked a soup, ate a nice moderate dinner and didn’t snack. It was the exact behavior I have been aiming for. From all of the books I read about habit and change, I have to believe I CAN CHANGE. Which I know I can. You must also put in the effort.

This week is a bit tougher. While I am no longer commuting, I am downtown in a city. The last time I was there working I was 10 pounds lighter. I KNOW this is irrelevant but two winters ago, my coats fit better. Things looked better. Not that I was able to hide during my commute, but I feel more exposed. I want to look nicer. So I’ve been feeling a bit down about my body. and Lack of progress or rather slow progress. I have tried to avoid the snacks but today I ate candy. Not a ton. But i had four mini candy, had handful of peanut mm’s x 2, handful of regular mm’x, sour patch x2 servings and some goldfish


oh and some trail mix and mixed nuts

THATS A LOT. Jeez how to people eat normally? I mean things add up quickly. Well I finally stopped. Instead of resigning to a full out binge, I went running. For an hour. Which was hard. But rewarding and great.

I work so hard to setup my healthy behavior. I’ve made working out a priority and SUCH a good habit. I cook my meals. I like to eat clean. But it’s the old emotional habits that stump me. I knew this week at work things would be slow, it would be an adjustment period, the office is quieter. Those are all triggers for me. I have a really hard time with the quiet boredom. 

And my jeans are tight

and its COLD and I dont have cute warm flattering clothes

And i feel anxious about work. New territory. New comp plan. I want the ability to negotiate base. ANXIOUS I won’t get what I want. Scared about potential hours

But despite all of this I have made relatively good choices. I’m frustrated because it’s slow to move. Because losing weight is hard and it sucks and Im still pissed I PUT ALL OF IT BACK ON. Slow surely added more and more weight to my body

After this lesson. I am not repeating this mistake. They say you are doomed to repeat mistakes until you learn from them. I really hope and believe this is the last and final time.

Now, I have to be patient. I have to be understanding and nurturing of myself. I have to reward myself for the smart little choices I make along the way. And I really REALLY have to stay away from the candy. MY TRIGGER I am learning is a MID morning snack which makes me full before lunch, yet I’m still hungry around lunch so I eat and I’m full and I feel fat and my jeans are tight. NOW I know that eating more isnt the answer, but it’s a temporary high/relief from the feelings. But it’s really not. I just have to take a deep breathe. Drink HOT tea. and move on

A positive attitude will make this worthwhile as well

Small consistent changes. Progress. Not perfection. Self love. Giving yourself a break. Positive self talk. Making the best NEXT choice.

I’m getting there

TIme to read and go to bed early 🙂 Another good decision.

Today was a really good day

In Uncategorized on January 13, 2013 at 7:47 am

Sometimes I get scared that I will never grow out of my old behavior. My desire to drink all day because everyone else is doing it. My love for BOYS and dating a variety of men. My habit of overeating.
But today was a glimpse into who I really am and who I am growing into. I slept in. I enjoyed my morning coffee where I formulated my plan for the day. There are a few big football games on today and I know there would be a TON of drinking all over the city. But for once I had no desire to participate. I wanted to spend time taking care of myself and doing what I set out to do.

I had a good long sweaty workout. I can’t wait to get my heart-rate monitor by the way because it will be interesting to see just how much I burn with my workouts. 

I created a 21 day habit changing calendar. Now I know I’ve done this sort of thing before. Vowed to make final changes. But this time with the accumulation of the medicine, the year of therapy and belief that I know what needs to be done. I know what my body wants. I think this is where I will change for good. Its time to drop this bad behavior off for good. Our SF office opened. I will no longer be commuting. It’s a new leaf. It is the last year of my twenties. I want to live the life I was intended to live. The life in the body that isn’t suffering from abuse. I want to love myself. I want to take care and nurture myself the right way. I want to stop the obsession with food. Yes, it’s likely I will have to watch what I eat for the rest of my life. Yes, it’s likely my weight will yo yo within a few pounds over life. But stuffing myself. Torturing myself with purposeful weight gain. Making myself sick. Physically emotionally and mentality is going to stop. Not to mention, why why torture myself in the mirror. Always looking at that reflection and wondering why didn’t I say no last week. Why did I binge last night. Why did I make myself ill and sad just because I was feeling lonely, bored, sad. A craving is usually fleeting. You can get through it all.

Anyway that was the morning 🙂

I spent the rest of the day shopping! Brand new workout clothes and cute stuff from my favorite cheap store 🙂 They are stepping up their stuff!

I went to visit my best girlfriend at her store

then I came home to cook a DELICIOUS meal: Loaded chicken salad. Basically it’s chicken, sweet potato, brussel sprouts roasted tossed in mustard/mayo/garlic sauce. It was filling and delicious and hearty. This is how you should eat

Now I am unwinding drinking delicious coffee before the birthday party tonight. This evening poses a risk bc I am not in my ideal shape. It might suck. I might not meet any guys or get ANY attention. I might drink too much.
BUT it’s my chance to cross day one off the 21 day calander. I can come home and nurture and listen to my body and give it what it needs and wants. Which will likely be sleep

MODERATION is the mantra of this year

Slow down Maria Calm down and slow down

You are loved and beautiful and special

Tomorrow I want to get some sleep, cook a vegetable soup and hit up the container store. I think I know EXACTLY what I need for my closet organization and IM EXCITED. My date from Thur wants to see me again…but I am not excited. I feel like I SHOULD give him another chance, but my GUT is telling me I am not attracted to him. at all

but why is it the classy smart nice guys don’t have the sex appeal. I’m always chasing the ones who are lame. But I’m changing that. Looking for the package like me. Kind, cultured, smart,well mannered and good looking

We’ll see about tomorrow with this guy

Anywho I’m off to get ready soon


OH so the point of this was I spent the day doing what I needed for myself. LISTEN TO YOURSELF AND BODY 

you will be steered right



In Uncategorized on January 12, 2013 at 10:16 am

I never thought I would make it through TWO years of commuting to my job. I remember how scared I was, how miserable and how I wanted to quit. But I stuck with it and things really improved. We changed offices, I got to sit next to some amazing people who I had an absolute blast with. I also had an incredible year, becoming number ONE out of 70 reps closing 150% of my quota. Soon the two hour drive wasn’t as painful.

I adjusted.

It’s a testament to the human mind body and spirit. We can adapt to anything really. Good and bad. I just finished the book about Habits and how they affect us personally and professionally. Habits are formed very simply. There is a cue/trigger, we follow a routine and get the reward. The key is to understand what the reward really is or means. Change the routine and isolate the cue if you want to find out what is triggering you.

I’ve been trying to break this food overeating emotional boredom bullshit nonsense binge eat sit on couch eat because thats all I know how to do best friend with food all I do is sit. FOR A LONG TIME. Part of it is wanting to quit. Deep down, away from the animal habit brain driving this behavior, I DO WANT TO QUIT. But I am so adjusted to being this way its painful to stop.

Here is where experience comes from. I simply need to realize that I will be able to adjust to a life without obsession over food. I will be able to find other ways to fill myself, fill the void, fill the emotional hunger, space without food. There will be a painful miserable hard time, but I will adapt. I will change and more than likely. Actually for sure I will see major success and happiness.

I need to go through this. I need to withdraw and detox and be done with it. I need to move on from food.
Sugar is a big huge major trigger. I think making a concerted effort to avoid it completely will be helpful in this initial detox

21 days to begin

I need to string along 21 day. 

I can do this. It’s my year to drop this bad habit. I am strong, I have been through tougher things.

I am completely capable of this


TO my success!
because I work in SF now. I’ll be out and about. Being heavy WEIGHS YOU DOWN SO MUCH. Light fit happy glowing healthy is so much better

sugar is not that good. You really get over

Time to move on and ditch the food

Time to eat and be done with it. Time to find other ways to fill my time.

The end